"The Top Ten Celebrity Masks That Were Too Scary For Even Halloween” Written & illustrated By Lena Hopkins-Jackson
10. “The O.J. Simpson mask” ..... Imagine you’re passing out the Hershey’s Kisses and Skittles when who should pop up at your front door?...The Juice! If he asks for candy apples and jelly beans It’s just a costume, relax... BUT if the conversation turns to anything about the whereabouts of stolen golf clubs, Heisman trophies or White-b@tches-who don’t-appreciate-nuthin’-you-do….then you better run Forrest run like a Buffalo Bill running back, that’s O.J.!
9. “The Joan Rivers mask”...… Older than the Mummy and almost as scary, I can’t imagine anything more frightening than a Joan Rivers look-alike withering away at my door. If she asks for chocolate bars and lollipops, it’s all good but if she starts demanding botox shots and screaming for her daughter Melissa to slide her dentures back in, slam the door and call the "National Enquirer" QUICK!
( ..and um, to be on the safe side…Medic Alert!)
8. “The Wendy Williams mask” … Listening to the “Queen Of All Media” on the radio is one thing, watching her on TV is another…( alarming at first, but it gets easier with time) BUT seeing her turn up on your front porch saying “How YOU Doin’?” ;looking like a cross between Ru Paul and Janice the guitar player from the Muppet show could be downright spooky! Now I ain’t sayin’ Wendy is a man but I heard she was a stunt double for the Wayans brothers in the movie “White Chicks”, but they dropped for being too masculine, ( insert snare drum here: buh-dum-dum-ttttttttt!)
7. “The Suge Knight mask”… Um, need I say more?
6. “The Amy Winehouse mask”…I don’t care how many music awards this broad has, Amy Winehouse’s Crystal-Meth face is not one I want to ever see up close and personal, mask or the real thing. Ain’t nuthin’ freakier than a crackhead-wino chick showing up on your doorstep… AND I’m convinced she hides her stash in that nasty, bee-hive hairstyle…anybody showing up at your house even dressed like her ought-ta’ be frisked for contraband.
5. “The Bill O’Reilly mask”…. Now-a-days it doesn’t get much scarier than Fox news; especially watching the liver spots and jowly rolls of chin fat under Bill O’Reilly’s face. Although I can’t imagine anyone wanting to wear a Bill O’Reilly face mask, the only thing more ghoulish than his face is his bloated, overrated politics…hmmm, or maybe worse, Rush Limbaugh!
4. “The Octo-Mom mask”….. Outside of the obvious fact that she’s crazy like that glue, seeing the Octo-Mom’s face show up at your door isn’t really all that scary…it’s seeing ALL 14 of her kids showing up wanting candy! That’s more than enough to make me not answer the door!
3. “The Joe Jackson mask”…..Honestly who’s more of a scary, ruthless blood sucker than Michael Jackson’s dad? I sure wouldn’t want to see him or anyone looking like him at my crib and If you see him messing with his belt buckle…slam the door and run NOW! We’ve all seen the beginning of “The Jacksons: An American Dream”, it explained a lot!
2. “The Sarah Palin Mask” …Just when you thought it was safe to watch ice-hockey again….. imagine Sarah Palin; now that she’s free of her Governor of Alaska duties actually skatin’ up to your doorstep.... AND with “Palin For President In 2012” shirts too! ( an idea even colder than the state she used to rep, brrrrrrrrrr)
..And the number one celebrity mask too scary for even Halloween is..( drum roll please)….
“The John McCain Mask”… and you thought the crypt-keeper was dead after HBO canceled his show, naw, he just went into politics! John McCain will never stop: a bunch of stinkin’ Vietcong couldn’t do it, a broke-down leg couldn’t do it, and since the American public had the audacity to vote “That One” into office to be president, I hear he’s been plotting his revenge ever since...( even Republicans are scared!) Treat him or any look-a-like as you would any other Zombie and bolt the door!
He told us after his first run for office he’d be back…BELIEVE HIM!YOUR WEEKLY TOP TEN QUESTION: Do YOU think Halloween is a pagan evil celebration or harmless fun that you still get a kick out of, just like the kids? Holla'....