Show your woman how much you care, improve yourself by acting as this
list suggests. It's unfortunate that we're so insensitive that we
actually need a list like this. Do what it says and you'll be getting
head in the whip in no time!!!!

 1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This
will keep her on her toes, and women love that.

 2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of
weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard
until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong
man you are.

 3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Women
are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

 4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If
she is, say "you'd better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until
morning. This will show her you care.

 5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement,
and every girl needs some improvement.

 6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

 7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fu*k you,' and grab the
other girl's ass. Women love competition.

 8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning
tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just
kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive
her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something
like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because
I can."

 9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those
special nicknames.

 10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD. (especially immediately
after leaving the hair salon)

 11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and
say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're
going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is
with fear.

 12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when
the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you
at the party.

 13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't
women?

 14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like
basketball, football, holding the remote and beer.

 15. Spit often. I hear women like guys that spit.

 16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she
deep down desires to be.

 17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair. This way she'll go crazy over you.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt
and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Women love a
guy that speaks for her.

 19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Women love a
spontaneous guy.

 20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell
on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm
talking about.

 21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

 22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her
material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is
that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present
she can ever get.

 23. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know
she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have
the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't
like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

 24. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This
will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call
you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really
excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!