Falling In Love With Love

Following my divorce I coined a phrase, The Future X Mrs. TramueL. I believed I would never remarry or if I did it would not last. In my heart I did not truly believe this but there was an underlying theme of unresolved negative emotions. Fooling myself came naturally, believing that someone else was to blame for my unhappiness.

Blame the head, not the heart.

The Future X Mrs.TramueL

From my first girlfriend in 7th grade through most of my adult life I’ve been involved in long term, committed relationships. I checked the yes box "Will you go with me?" two times during high school and once more before I met The TramueL Formerly Known As. Consider we were together for five years before I said “I do” and she promised to “obey,” and it equates to four women over the span of a couple of decades. There were a few non official relationships with benefits, for census I will not include those. To that point, when we separated all I wanted was to be free. Free from responsibility; responsibility for others feelings, responsibility of being accountable.

I became selfish. 

Uncharacteristically, I believed I had taken care of everyone else's needs except my own. I have many positive examples of marriage in my immediate and extended family and selfishness was not my observation. However, watching others didn't teach me how to be a man. Even as someone who takes in a lot from my environment, simply watching others was not enough. In retrospect I took away only the pieces that told me to provide, take care of and protect. Which I translated into working long hours, I was on a paper chase. I did not include the piece that says you need to take care of emotional needs also. I did not include the piece where I was supposed to create space for myself. I did not include the most important piece, that of seeking a platoon. This is where men can be real with one another about sex & marriage, money & work, faith and failures. Learning in my failure(s) taught me about manhood and masculinity. 

I’ve never been a pimp or able to spit mad game son. I did however find myself stating [jokingly I think] “I’m free now, and I’m looking for a five WOman rotation, do you want to run?” I imagine most hearing that from me and knowing my personality assumed that I was joking. Null. I’ve had a few that wanted to run full court. That’s not ego, that’s just me writing. Perhaps the old adage is true, be careful what you wish for.

Blame the head, not the heart. 

The Future

To be free of self-defeating behaviors we first need to recognize them. In addition to the negative emotions; I experienced a lay off, weight gain, and spells of depression. As not to take anything away from the women I dated during this time, they simply did not have the insight or discernment to handle a man who felt less than. Nor did I, I played the blame game and lost; feelings of deprivation, thoughts of being criticized, betrayed and abandoned. This carried over into two more long-term relationships that I subconsciously sabotaged, one involving The Future.

Having difficulty feeling harmony and peacefulness, I went on a self-imposed pizza restriction. This was extremely hard for me considering how much I love eating the P. At night, North Carolina, eat a slice too hot, use my tongue to tear the skin hanging from the roof of my mouth. The hunger strike would last upwards of two years. The space and seclusion allowed introspection where I was able to pull up my strength and call this irrational intrusion into my life for what it was; self-doubt and the consequence of my incomplete evolvement. I discovered my true self. The realization of my goodness and value provided a point of access to my capacity and determination to live in harmony with a four letter word beginning with L and ending in E.

The struggle between the head and the heart is real. Your emotions tell you one thing and your mind tells you something else. Emotional to the point of irrationality at one moment, and logical the next. 

Blame the head, not the heart.

I Am in the proper space now and loving the heart of a woman. One where I view her as a partner, one where I communicate my thoughts, feelings and desires, one where I put her at the top of my priority list, one where I seek her best interest regardless of her response, one where I commit to discovering and meeting her needs. 

Perhaps marriage is in The Future. 

Blame the heart, not the head. 

I Am