Life Changes - Lisa

The loneliness hits in waves that never last for long, just long enough to remind me of what I'm missing. But am I really missing anything or anyone or am I just bored? Was I just looking for someone to fill a void I was perfectly capable of filling myself?

My guy died about nine months before the world shut down for Covid. I was in no rush to start a new relationship and lockdown gave me the perfect excuse. The pandemic gave me two years to entertain the idea of a relationship while flirting with men I had no intention of meeting. Dating apps are not for the faint of heart and AOL dating is the worst.

My therapist tasked me with “getting out there” and dating outside of my norm. Her advice to me was to try “spicy white.” In the cornfields of the Midwest??? But I tried, I swear I did. I met a man who couldn't hold a conversation to save his life, but he was cute. That's shallow, right? He worked at a hospital and had to be vaccinated (because people were in these dating streets lying about their vaccination status), so bonus points for that. But the cultural divide was too much for me and when he kept calling my hair nappy, I knew I had to cut our very short-lived romance quits.

I love a good list, so as soon as I crossed spicy white off my to-do list and shut my therapist up, I started to think about what was next. Whatever it was, it definitely wasn't dating. I don't care what anyone tells you, the dating pool is full of pee ... and a little poop. Okay, a lot of poop. So I did what Black women do when we get bored, I decided to go back to school … with a purpose.

In 2021 only 4.24% of mental health therapists were Black. I've been lucky enough to have had two Black female therapists who helped me work through my trauma and get to the other side, but it was hard to find them even with my good insurance. Black women’s identities intersect with their gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, marital status, etc. In other words, we have a lot on our plates, and I want to help women who look like me clean off those plates one step at a time. Does this mean I plan to only take on Black women as clients? Absolutely not. But I do plan to balance my practice in such a way that there are enough clients who can pay the full rate to offset the costs for those women who need a low-cost or no-cost therapist without sitting on the waitlist for years while they needlessly suffer.

One of my cousins asks me every few months if I'd still be with my guy if he were alive. At the beginning of the pandemic, my answer was always yes. Here recently, it's been a strong no. I know that I would have felt smothered as if he was demanding too much of my time. I know without a doubt that I wouldn't be back in school because his need for constant contact wouldn't have allowed me the room I needed to grow and find my purpose, helping other women get to the other side. I can work full time and go to school part-time, but trying to balance both of those with a new relationship?

I’m not sure how that would work, but who knows what the future will bring post-graduation?