Intimacy Without Romance: A Complex Desire

My evolving desire for intimacy is not bound by the traditional indicators of a romantic relationship but rooted in emotional connection, physical closeness, and companionship built on trust and respect. There is a delicate complexity to wanting deep connection when I crave it, and the freedom to retreat into solitude when I need space. It’s a constant negotiation with myself, balancing the desire for closeness with the need for independence. I recognize that a fear of losing independence may actually be fear of getting close- but mind your business. This shifting perspective has made me more mindful of the nature of my relationships, and how I approach vulnerability with others.

I’ve received criticism for my thoughts above as well as for advising against ‘chasing’ in relationships. Sometimes when I write, my focus is more on self-expression than on tailoring my words for an audience. As a result, my writing can occasionally come off like a quick, unpolished email response:

“Sent from a mobile device, please excuse any brevity, misspelling, or grammatical errors.”

However, here’s the more refined version of what I want to convey:

When a woman shows genuine interest, expresses warmth, enthusiasm, and is open and inviting, it naturally encourages a man to pursue her. The key distinction is this: pursuing someone when there is mutual interest is healthy and desirable. This is very different from ‘chasing,’ which often involves manipulation or playing games—actions that undermine the foundation for genuine connections.

I’m also frequently challenged on my choice of words, such as “warmth,” “gracious,” “soft,” “feminine,” and “pretty,” when describing how men respond positively to these qualities. I am not trying to emulate Kevin Samuels, nor do I actively offer my opinions. However, I am often asked by single friends to share my perspective as a conduit into how men think. Yes, I’m single, but being single doesn’t disqualify me from understanding relationships.

This is why I tend not to enjoy conversations about love. It’s not because love is an abstract emotion that’s difficult to define or quantify. And it’s not because I have a more logical approach than an emotional one. Rather, it’s because love is too often framed as something a woman gives to a man, something he’s automatically entitled to receive.

Yawn.

When a woman displays warmth, it typically refers to her expressing behaviors and attitudes that foster a sense of openness, approachability, and emotional comfort.

I’ve already broken down the other qualities in Tramuel's Observation on Utopia…

It’s interesting how we all claim to want peace in our relationships, yet men and women are constantly clashing on André 3000’s “innanets” about the best way to achieve it. 

In the context of what modern women expect from a man—big bank, big d***, Uptown condo, million-dollar home in Myers Park, drives a Brabus G-Wagon, writes poetry, draws, is both a thug and a nerd, lean like a runner but strong like a weightlifter, doesn’t eat pork but enjoys oysters, pays for hair and nails, buys flowers, handles all the bills, spends all his time with her, and still takes her to the Cheesecake Factory—what’s the woman’s role in this? 

What does she contribute? What does this “superman” get in return? And please, don’t say “she gives him pizza”—you can get any kind of pizza in these un-United States. I’ve even had Chicago-style deep dish in NYC. 

At night, New York: I eat a slice too hot / Use my tongue to tear the skin hanging from the roof of my mouth / Shit was bellissimo, a melting pot, the city sweltering hot. 

Now, in the context of SFPG: 

Soft. Embracing gentleness, empathy, and emotional sensitivity. 

Feminine. Showing grace, nurturing qualities, and an appreciation for beauty in art, nature, or people.

Pretty. Aesthetically pleasing appearance; features that invite admiration and attraction. 

Gracious. A genuine elegance and kindness, effortlessly blending politeness with warmth in interactions and demeanor.

But in the end, it’s all subjective.

I Remain,  

Single.