Tuesday Musings and What’s On My Mind Right Now

Death and Loss: The Weight of Remembrance

The two-year remembrance of my mother brings the weight of grief back into sharp focus, but this time it feels layered with the pain of others around me. Witnessing my co-worker and close friend endure their own losses has deepened my reflections on death. Their grief reminds me of the universality of sorrow, yet each person’s experience is so uniquely personal. As I support them, I find my own grief taking on new dimensions, teaching me not just about the fragility of life but also the importance of remembrance as a way to honor both the loss and the lessons left behind by those we loved.

Intimacy Without Romance: A Complex Desire

My evolving desire for intimacy is not bound by the traditional indicators of a romantic relationship but rooted in emotional connection, physical closeness, and companionship built on trust and respect. There is a delicate complexity to wanting deep connection when I crave it, and the freedom to retreat into solitude when I need space. It’s a constant negotiation with myself, balancing the desire for closeness with the need for independence. I recognize that a fear of losing independence may actually be fear of getting close- but mind your business. This shifting perspective has made me more mindful of the nature of my relationships, and how I approach vulnerability with others.

Vocation: The Search for Meaningful Work

With my company selling our division to a “global leader in commercial real estate credit management, servicing, and investment advisory services,”  I find myself at a crossroads where the desire for a livable and respectable wage intersects with my need for fulfilling work. This transition has placed a spotlight on my desire for “work” that not only sustains me financially but aligns with my deeper values of purpose and making a difference. It feels like I’ve been searching for an independent contributor role (y’all know I’ont like people) where the work itself resonates with meaning and brings satisfaction beyond the paycheck, yet the pressure of financial security remains a persistent weight.

Family: Individualized Love and Support

Being in a position to support my family and friends emotionally and financially has made me reflect on the delicate balance between giving and maintaining personal boundaries. Each person in my life has their own unique needs, and I strive to be there for them in ways that are individualized and meaningful, without depleting my own energy. I've had to support a friend through a tough time, and it was a lesson in how to provide comfort without losing myself in the process.

Finding Balance Amid the Thoughts

Navigating these complex topics—grief, intimacy, career, and family—feels like a balancing act, yet it’s one I approach with introspection and hope. Each reflection brings me closer to understanding myself and my place in the world, as I seek to find peace in honoring the past, connecting meaningfully in the present, and striving for fulfillment in the future.

I Remain,

B.