Written & Illustrated By Lena Hopkins-Jackson
* DISCLAIMER: This one will not be in "Rolling Out" magazine.com this week. It's a tad too racy I guess ( pun intended). Either way
I'm sharing it and though I created this in the spirit of humor, there's truth in jest sooooooooooo here are the.....
TOP TEN WAYS TO KILL THE “N-WORD” ONCE AND FOR ALL……..
10. Terminate it…..( James Cameron style )
Create a cyborg-terminator from "SKYNET" (..um,The Black-operated division)
to travel back several hundred years into the past and ‘eliminate’ the dumb-@ss, non-pronouncing slave trader strolling along the river NIGER who started this mess in the 1st d@mn place!
9. Send it out to Crystal Lake and let Jason have at it……….
We can all agree that the “N-Word” is the ‘Asian-hair supply store’ of racial epithets: It’s EVERYWHERE and much like Jason, just won’t die! So who better than “Mister-crazy-hockey-mask-killer” himself to do away with it once and for all….Jason can stab it, axe it, burn it alive.. Whatever, just KILL IT so it will never come back! ...and while we’re it, let’s throw “Keeping It Real” under the bus too, that phrase NEEDS to die...seriously.
8. Create a “It’s-Okay-To-Say-N@gger” Day……
For an ENTIRE 24 hours Caucasions can get this word they’re just ITCHING to say out of their systems for good….AND Black people are NOT allowed to ‘retaliate’ at all! (Yup, those are the rules!) From normally, mild-mannered corporate bankers to Fox-News staff, White folks will be drunk with euphoria and screaming it to the top of their lungs… um, that is until midnight and after that it’s every Biff and Buffy to fend for themselves ( God help 'em’) I’m guessing Black folks will be so tired of hearing it , this will finally do the trick…..except in perhaps Compton, where the N-Word and jherri curls flow more fluently than water….still.
7. Hire Justin Beiber and Hannah-Montana to sing a duet about it…..
Dude....Ya’ just gotta’ love that Beiber Kid and Miley Cyrus is the new Britney, minus the side-order of crazy!
So here’s my modest proposal: we have these two little," white-bread wonders"create a chart-topping song about “The N-Word” to be played ‘ad nauseum’ on every radio station and in between every commercial on Nickelodeon! Eventually every kid in America will be so SICK of hearing it there will be an anti-N-word backlash so huge, that no one will be caught dead saying it for fear of appearing ‘un-cool’.
6. Create an episode of “The Boondocks” about it.
Here’s something ground-breaking: Characters gratuitously call each other the “N-word” in hopes of showing Black people how truly self-loathsome and….WAIT, hold-up...( *pauses to read memo*)…my bad, that idea has actually INCREASED the acceptance of the word….uh, never mind….. NEXT!
5. Film a new, Spike Lee joint : “Mo-Bettah’ Uses For You-sez' Than The “N-Word’….....Fever”
In Spike’s well-loved & unique style;actors would speak directly into the camera about how wack the “N-Word” is, followed by typical ‘Spike-isms’ such as pulling actors on that weird, slow-moving crane and dream-sequences with the ‘art-house’ camera angles of how THEY would handle Black folks too “Bamboozled” to stop using the word … one of which would be to give them a ‘hundred headaches’.. ya’ d@mn skippy! *Sound track by Public Enemy (minus “Flava-Flave” for obvious reasons)
4. Have Oprah do a show about it:
Special guests could include: Mel Gibson, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, Michael Richards and surviving members of the third Reich discussing why the term means so much to them. Dr. Oz can even come on and explain why the “N-word” is sooooo unhealthy for our bodies to use, then Dr. Phil can come scream at all of them about how their racist reputations are killing their careers and “How’s that working for ya’?” followed by Oprah herself banning the word forever…or else! (And we don’t want to find out what “or else” means, do we now...Arsenio?)
3. Ask Beyonce` to do a public service announcement campaign against it on all the major networks and cable channels………
It’ll be like a televised game of “Simon-Says” but with much higher stakes! Everybody knows Beyonce`and her magical, mechanical hand can do ANYTHING and if she’ll throw in a half-nekkid performance of her “Uh-Ohh--Uh-Ohh” dance while condemning the word….I think she’ll have the nation’s FULL attention…..okay, at least half the nation anyway.
2. Have President Obama tax it :
Put a $100 fine on anyone saying the word in public from here on out and we could probably pay off the national debt by “New Years Eve” ( by Christmas if someone can bug the central offices of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin )
..and the number one way to ‘KILL’ the “N-word” once and for all is to ( drum roll please)…..
1. Just stop saying it and take the power out of it…seriously.
It’s a bastard word that’s been embraced for far too long: ignorantly created by some racist Whites to keep our ancestors in check,...THEN twisted around and re-claimed by Blacks for survival so they could endure the pain inflicted by it ( Among other atrocities) to rob us of our humanity! Now it’s the big, BLACK elephant in the room that everyone’s too scared to shoot and take out of it's misery. Even though it’s never cool for Whites to use it…Black folks NEED to stop saying it as well. Sure, it won’t happen overnight but if Blacks survived the middle passage, killing one stupid word can be done………um, can’t it?
....your thoughts please.
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