Never Trust A BIG Butt & A Smile

Conversation(s) at work range from politics, religion, relationship(s), music & of course sex. Men brag about their storied histories, while women keep their freaky a little sneaky. My “love” would be proud of itself it were a thing that breathed air & drank water. I deferred from the macho bravado, sexual connotations & innuendos leaving those to the imagination “mental pictures, no cameras please.” Simply smiling as others told stories of their sexcapades.

I personally believe in quality over quantity and as these discussion(s) play out, on average most were above average concerning the number of partners they’ve had. I’ll take them at their word but my experience has been a little different.

***Disclaimer***

The following account, for all intensive purposes is for your entertainment pleasure only. Any likeness to you or your representative is purely coincidental. I have omitted a few hundred of the random women I’ve smashed beautiful ladies from my past as I only want to high-light significant milestones on my Love Time-Line.

Mr.TramueL’s “Love Time-Line” set to MusiQ Titles & Lyrics

“You & Me”

I never thought on the first night You would bare what you hold so dear to life And share with me all your innermost fantasies baby And afterwards in my arms you cried Had me feeling some kind of way on the inside Then I knew it was going to be me and you

My first experience was just that, thought we would be together forever. That innermost fantasy involved a chandelier, measuring tape, my naked member & paper napkin.

"Just Friends"

Girl I know this might seem strange But let me know if I'm out of order For stepping to you this way See I've been watching you for a while And I just gotta let you know That I'm really feeling your style Cause I have to know your name And leave you with my number And I hope that you would call me someday If you want you can give me yours too And if you don't I ain't mad at'cha We can still be cool cause

My second “love” was with the most beautiful girl in the world, but I only wanted to give her the bizness. She thought we were more. I mean who wouldn’t after a year of laying horizontal doing the humpty, humpt. I coined the phrase “friends with benefits.”

“BabyMother”

Listen you know people are you know they gonna talk shit So be prepared cause we doing this regardless Of what my mother say or what your father say We just gotta make sure we on the same page Cause this is ours it involves nobody else don't get me wrong we always use a little help But honestly all we got is each other And the fact is im the father and you're the mother Of this kid

Next up was the longest five years of my life & when we were at the end ... famous last words “Can we do it one last time?” Next thing I know I woke up cutting the umbilical cord.

"Seventeen"

I tried to cut her off But she wasn't having it She kept telling me her age didn't mean sh-- And that's when she started to cry Baby I need you in my life And without you I just couldn't handle it So what's a brother to do (Ohh) Either way I lose (So) I could just say my piece Or piss off her peeps And talk it out with the boys in blue Cause when it comes down to it (Ohh) She was just seventeen years old And I was dead wrong from the door (Ohh)

So yeah I met  “Seventeen” somewhere in between “just friends” & “babymother” but refused her advances because she was too young, I inserted into her here because I hit it, shoot she was eighteen now, five foot seven with light-brown eyes, body built like a woman over twenty-five … Judge me, she also becomes the future Mrs.Tramuel (Notice she doesn’t get the trademarked capital L) Famous Quotes “Mr.TramueL! you fuck*ing with jail bait!” – Seventeen’s Stepdad

"Makeyouhappy" Oh, Hey, girl. Help me know, What is it that really does it for you? Is it about the things that money buys Or a man that loves you? Cause I'm just looking at how good you look And right away I wanna. So how do you want it?

Post divorce. I was free from responsibility & wanted to “love” every woman in the world. I joked about a five (Wo)man rotation. {Insert five names onto the “makeyouhappy” time stamp}

"Betterman"

I got a real good woman now Someone between a lover and a friend It feels good when she's around Cause she's so far from all the others that I've been with

Cause I thought I knew what love was but it wasn't until she came and changed my life And now I realize that

All the love in this world, I wanna give to this girl because she makes me wanna be a better man And all the games I've played are in the pass Because I know this one's gonna last It's crazy how she makes me wanna be a better man for her

I’ll end here because I am a better man, a better man because of what the experiences of my Love Time-Line have taught me. Sexual pursuits uncover the good & bad intertwined in our heart, revealing selfishness or the honorable desires to be loving.

Choose VS Decide … be better

Harm None,

Mr.TramueL may not be right for everyone, please consult your doctor to see if he is right for you.

{RE}Post - BARBERSHOP PHILOSPHY

Another morning in the Barber Shop.

For as long as I can remember the neighborhood barber shop has been a community gathering place. People who visit for a haircut also have the benefit of the in-between talks during the hair cutting sessions. What I like to call “Barbershop Philosophy”. The rational inquiry into the principles and truths of being, nature, knowledge, conduct, etc. of course from the black perspective.

THE BARBERS

The Owner / Barber

Wouldn’t know it to look at him but this guy is filthy! As in filthy rich. Nice house owns a small real estate firm, summer house & used auto-dealership in Jamaica. They say you are a product of your environment … well he has a lil’ bit of each of the barbers, characters and customers rolled up in his personality. The owner is very nice with the clippers, to him haircutting is an art and has to be mastered like any other profession. Once you rise up from the chair you feel as if your personality has been polished. You stand a lil’ taller and speak a lil’ louder.

The Reverend

Never has any customers but prominently post his shop hours. He also runs auto-parts for Napa. {Note to Rev this sign is 10 years old}

The Homey

“Ayo! What’s up son?” Better city in America? According to Homey … not fucking likely. That’s right Homey is from NYC the transplant that cut hair out of his home for 10 years came down south to school these country ninjas in the art of barbering. Took him 3 years to get licensed but Ayo son! … He did it his way.

The First Chair

Fresh out of Clown Barber College, he ends up with the walk-ins and the small kids. He’s nice with the clippers, although I did see him patch a dude up once. {Keep practicing on those small kids}

THE CHARACTERS

The Coach

No one knows what he actually coaches, he has on the gear, looks the part and he just stops by in between practices (which happen to be year round). You can’t leave without hearing one of his motivational quotes. “Big B, listen my man before you go … If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.”

The Retiree

Yep, meet Mr. Me Too. He will not be outdone. You’ve run with the bulls in Spain? Well he’s run butt naked with the lions in the Serengeti. Forgot a little piece of the city’s history? It’s okay; he remembers the city when it was just a dirt road.

The Hustle Man

You never see him actually in the chair, but his hair is always cut. Not your average “hustler” he’s not about the illegal acts, but about anything that will make him money. He’ll shampoo your carpet if you rent the machine, pick him up and drop him off at the barber shop when he’s through. His favorite line … “I know a guy” and he will invent a word for anything*

The Player: “What’s up fam!? Man, I just lost a hubcap” {Did this ninja say hubcap? Where tha’ 22′s at playboy?}

Hustle Man: “I know a guy that can get you 4 brand new capo’s* for the cost of one.” {What the eff’ is a capo?}

The Player

This guy. Always looking in the mirror at himself before, after & during his cut. The thought bubble above his head reads …”Man I’m so attractive” He actually believes any woman would be blown away if they sat down and had a chat and got to know him.

THE CUSTOMERS

The Soccer Dad

So busy with family stuff, I mean if he could just clone himself life would be grand. “I gotta get outta here ya’ll lil’ Nathaniel William Edward Burghardt Du Bois III has T-Ball practice and I have choir practice at the church.

The Gay Guy

You never know he’s in the shop cause his head is buried in his iPhone. I always admire what he has on, great style ~ {No Homo} & Ohhh Mmm Gee the whip! CLS5500! When he’s done & drives that thang’ *Pause* out of the parking lot all heads *Supa Pause* turn and this normally starts the discussion on cars.

The Educated Brotha’ From the Bank

Comes in on his lunch break with the same bullisht every time. “How many I got in front of me?” Like his life is much more important than ours. Hustle Man likes to eff with him.

Hustle Man: “Ayo Educated Brotha’ From the bank? You work for Bank of America right? What branch do you work at?”

Educated Brotha’ From the Bank: “I’ve told you that I work in Commercial Mortgage Backed Securities not at any of the retail branches.”

Hustle Man: “My bad, let me get a loan then?” {Shop erupts in laughter}

The Young Lady

Comes in to get her eyebrows arched and neckline shaped. I think she’s crushing on homey.

THE DISCUSSION TOPICS

Sports

Conversations about home town heroes like Chris Leak and why none of the NFL teams picked him up. The Bobcats, The Panthers, Independence High football dominance. Everyone in the shop is a Sports Analyst giving their take. The sports conversation is generally tame but it is without fail. “Well you know he dating that white girl” … which takes us into the next discussion topic

Women / Sex / Marriage / Relationships

This topic brings out the comedians.

On Women

Physical Properties: Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

Chemical Properties: Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses: Very effective cleaning agent.

Hazards: Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Religion

No arguments or heated discussions here, faith is respected in the shop, where the conversation lives is the “service” of the church and the role it plays in the community concerning; drugs, homelessness, outreach and youth services. Always surprised at how well folk know the Bible or Qur’an. The interpretation is where it gets lost. The most revisited topic tithing; if you should at all, what the bible says, ten percent before or after taxes? {Never ending debate. I’ve been going there for 10 years & this never gets old to us.}

Politics

Currently “we on that” Health Care debate. Always on topic … What’s missing from the debate, which has the better philosophy and is Michelle & Barack breaking in every room in the White House.

Cars

The Charlotte International Auto Show was last week and “we on that” Porsche Panamera

This list is not even close to half of the characters, personalities and topics discussed in the Barbershop. I didn’t mention the fish fry lady or the bootleg music and dvd hustlers. They are out there in yo’ shop!

Who are some of the characters at your shop & what they be philosophizing bout’?

Check out this video directed by Nelson George A Barber’s Tale

When Girls Don't Put Out

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

        I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..   

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let's get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis ...

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.