Brain Dump

Brain Dump

Brain (Brian) Dump 

Currently listening to Justin Beiber (mute your dissent) and this verse goes so hard.

♫ Focus ain't the same if the picture ain't got you in it. In every line my emotions ain't the same if it ain't about you, I don't get it. Ever since the beginning now, you had that effect on me. All I wanna do is you, oh. I mean that so literally. Don't nobody go harder than you. All of the angels must be lonely now, without you.

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Four Letter Words Beginning With L ...

The Week of Loss, Life, Lust & Love

Of Loss

I’m not an empath but this week has proven that we all are on some level, for most of us it is so low key that we aren’t aware of anyone else's feelings but our own. I’ve had friends lose their mother, a very special friend who’s mother had a heart attack and a close friend whose dearest friend suffered a stroke. Although I did not know any of them personally, in the moment you first hear, the initial shock leaves you stunned, numb to the huge surge of feelings. I never know how to respond, the most common phrases are void of sincerity to me. So here are my words. Sorrow serves as a reminder of the brevity of life.

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The Weekend of War

This weekend while conscious [that annoying time between naps] & flipping through the channels I happened upon three war movies; three time periods, three geographic locations, three campaigns. There is a common theme. What, asks the films, is the worth of a single human soul?

Sometimes a loss can be a win ...

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Forty One Years To Life ... Y. Spinks

40 Years...I'm not sure how I feel about turning a year older this year. I'm still trying to process my feelings. On my 33rd birthday, I remember lying in bed trying to cope with the fact that instead of spending the weekend in sunny L.A. at the Blogging While Brown Conference, I had just buried my mother three days before. The thoughts of the trip were secondary to the fact that my mom wasn't there to tell me happy birthday. What a birthday!

I thought about all the times I took her "Happy Birthday!" calls for granted. All of the times she let me know that she didn't buy me anything because she didn't have a clue of what I wanted, but I could take her Sears card to find something suitable.  Every year I declined because I didn't want the stuff--a closer relationship would have made my heart content.  This year I wished she was around so that I could tell her that.

So I would have to say that this year, my 33rd year, I learned that the saying, "Live everyday like it's your last day." is not just cliché.  Sometimes things come along and shake our foundation helping us realize that life is so much more that the minutiae we fuss about daily.  My mother and I spent over half of my life bickering.  It wasn't until my mother lay on her death bed that I understood that the problem we had wasn't really "our" problem.  She was just a women who loved a man who didn't want to be loved.  I was the result of that union and a constant reminder of her love for him.

These days I spend more time thinking about relationships.  I refuse to be a hurt person who hurts other people.  So I love hard.  I nurture all of my relationships and when I'm not treated how I want to be treated I don't linger...I just let go.  In her own way, my mom taught me it's okay to let go and that it's okay to love. This birthday I learned to say, I love you freely, without reservation.  God forbid I leave here anytime soon but when I do there will be no question as to how I feel about the people in my life.  Yep, my mama taught me that in her own little way...

I spent my entire life waiting for my mom to tell me she loved me.  She finally did...on her death bed...In my heart I know she always did.

spinks sideview

The Week of Depth

The Week of Depth

A reprise toFour Letter Words Beginning With L

Of Loss

A wife lost her husband, children lost their father & a grandfather, a church lost a member, co-workers lost a friend and a community lost a steward. Mastering fear & anxiety, I’ve learned how to respond to death by being open, honest and sincere. Don’t suppress affection, tell others how you feel constantly and show them often.

Rest in peace Frank, you will be missed.

Of Life

Filtering out negative and pessimistic emotions lead you to positive thinking; more options and possibilities exist.

Of Lust

I went dancing, we had a great time but we will not become permanent partners. I think it was something we both needed.

“Sex is fire, Celibacy is water … both can purify”

My truth? Afterwards the void was still there, there is nothing like dancing with someone you absolutely adore, cherish and four letter word beginning with L and ending in E.

Of Love

I’m open.

Mr. “Be Responsible But Don’t Forget To Dream” TramueL